Armageddon
Teapot
Help! I'm an uneducated video game player caught in a pissing match! What do I do!?
A guide by DeadTaco
Sometimes you'll be enjoying a nice deathmatch in an online game, when out of the blue, someone insults your game playing skills. We all know this is worse than a cactus enema and deserves retribution. Now, before you react with a witless attack, refer to the following educational instructions. After finishing this course in online gaming insult vernacular, you will be able to make small children cry, women swoon, and politicians start wars.
Scenario: A 15 year old boy with intense gaming skills just called you a 'Noob'. What is the proper response?
Answer: First, blame lag. It's obvious the only reason you're losing is because you are lagging. After getting that cleared up, inform the 15 year old that you aren't even trying, and that he's the real noob. Promptly throw out a four letter word and disconnect before the 15 year old can respond. This way you get in the last word, and you look cooler than everyone else. The 15 year old is sure to cry and never play video games again.
Scenario: Someone in the game is acting much smarter than you with their insults. You can't understand half of the words they are using since they are at college level. What do you do?
This one is easy. First, ask how old they are. If the answer is somewhere over 20, then bring out the big guns. Be sure to insult them and laugh at the fact that they are still playing video games at their age. Who cares that statistics show that nearly 50% of people between the ages of 24 and 30 play video games to relax. You're too smart to listen to statistics! Who cares that the video game you're playing was designed by 24+ year olds and rated for players over 18! You're a teenager, damnit, and you KNOW you're cooler than older people! After insulting their age, be sure to spread the word about how much cooler you are than them, even if you failed half your high school classes.
***...but what if the player is UNDER 20 years old? This is slightly tougher, since you can't use age against them. After all, they're able to create compound sentences and are showing you up with their extensive vocabulary. Don't be discouraged. They're still not as cool as you. First, claim that you have had sex millions of times with millions more women than them. This is sure to put them in their place. Who cares that you're still a virgin living in your parent's basement. This doesn't matter - LIE! Lying is the best thing you can do in this situation. Claim that you are only 16 but making $75,000 per year! This will certainly get them to shut up and show them their place!
Scenario: You're losing horribly in a game, and someone insulted your playing skills ... again. Even you realize that you aren't doing so well. What do you do?
Easy: Claim you're high! That's right. Not only will this excuse your lousy playing skills, it also makes you stand out as the cool guy in the game! It is important to purposely misspell words when doing this, otherwise your act may not be believable. For example: "LOLZ!!!!1!!1 iimm soo farrking highh rig ht noww! lmfffao!!!" Everyone is guaranteed to believe that you are, in fact, high. Sometimes it is good to switch your story and claim that you are drunk out of your mind because you have terrible parents that buy hard alcohol for their 14 year old. Be sure to brag about how you can drink 27 beers and not get drunk. This proves just how manly you really are. If you are still getting beat horribly in the game, claim that your sexy girlfriend is here and you have to leave so you can pork her. Everyone will be jealous and cry themselves to sleep after you leave.
Scenario: Everyone is cheating! What do you do?
There's no doubt about it. YOU are not winning. You always win, and if you're losing then the only possible explanation is that everyone else is cheating. You know that there is nobody better than you, so throw out the cheat card and let them have it! Sometimes this results in people calling you 'noob' and telling you to shut up. This just confirms their guilt, and gives you more fuel for calling them cheaters. After you've had enough with losing, throw out the most vile insult you can come up with (this usually involves the use of many four letter words, and something about their mothers) and then leave the game before you hear their responses. You've just shown them who the real winner is.
Having a hard time coming up with a quick-witted response to an insult? Try one of these actual scenarios used in an online game known as 'Starsiege: Tribes' as a reply (obtained from an actual chat log).
In this scenario, Player 1 (you) is losing horribly. Here's what to do.
Player 1: Stop cheating you n00b!
Player 2: Cheating? I'm not cheating.
Player 1: Yes you are you stupid n00b!
Player 2: How?
Player 1: You have AUTO AIM!
Player 2: There's no such thing as autoaim in tribes.
Player 1: Well you're just STUPID then.
Who cares that the final response made little to no sense? You insulted their intelligence, which won the arguement.
In this scenario, Player 1 (you) rightfully insulted someone you just killed, but the victim won't accept that you 'pwned' them.
Player 1: I pwned you a$$!!!!
Player 2: That's the first time you shot me this entire game. I would hardly associate that death with the word 'pwned'.
Player 1: Whatever loser.
Player 2: Loser? Please explain how shooting me and killing me once this entire game entitles you the right to call me a 'loser'?
Player 1: Your mom gave me the right n00b.
Player 2: What does my mom have to do with this?
Player 1: I did your mom last night!
As you can see, player 1 won this arguement. Insulting player 2's mom is an obvious win every time.
In this scenario, you are arguing with another player and someone else chimes in unexpectedly. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
EyeOmMee: you fcking moron! YOU SH!THEAD! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!
2Smart4U: why?
EyeOmMee: you KEEP SHOOTING ME!
2Smart4U: Isn't that the object of the game?
EyeOmMee: no! im trying something bitch!
2Smart4U: Um ok? Sorry?
EyeOmMee: Fcking asshole!!!
Chillpill: Uh, girlie, I think you need to calm down. Seriously.
EyeOmMee: STFU Chillpill! This doesn't concern you!!!
ChillPill: You're yelling for everyone to see. It concerns everyone now.
EyeOmMee: STFU! FCKING BITCH!
ChillPill: Wow you have issues.
EyeOmMee: STFU! YOu don't know me! You don't know anything about me!!!
ChillPill: You're going crazy in a video game. That's all I need to know.
EyeOmMee: OMFG! YOU DONT KNOW ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!
As you can see, EyeOmMee won this arguement with the "You don't know me" approach. Obviously, if nobody knows you, you can say whatever you want without repercussions. Afterall, you're smarter than all of them combined, and it only matters that you know yourself. Who cares that you're an insane psychopath who needs serious therapy. They don't know the real you.
We will have more gaming examples later. For now, take these lessons and use them to your advantage!
A guide by DeadTaco
Sometimes you'll be enjoying a nice deathmatch in an online game, when out of the blue, someone insults your game playing skills. We all know this is worse than a cactus enema and deserves retribution. Now, before you react with a witless attack, refer to the following educational instructions. After finishing this course in online gaming insult vernacular, you will be able to make small children cry, women swoon, and politicians start wars.
Scenario: A 15 year old boy with intense gaming skills just called you a 'Noob'. What is the proper response?
Answer: First, blame lag. It's obvious the only reason you're losing is because you are lagging. After getting that cleared up, inform the 15 year old that you aren't even trying, and that he's the real noob. Promptly throw out a four letter word and disconnect before the 15 year old can respond. This way you get in the last word, and you look cooler than everyone else. The 15 year old is sure to cry and never play video games again.
Scenario: Someone in the game is acting much smarter than you with their insults. You can't understand half of the words they are using since they are at college level. What do you do?
This one is easy. First, ask how old they are. If the answer is somewhere over 20, then bring out the big guns. Be sure to insult them and laugh at the fact that they are still playing video games at their age. Who cares that statistics show that nearly 50% of people between the ages of 24 and 30 play video games to relax. You're too smart to listen to statistics! Who cares that the video game you're playing was designed by 24+ year olds and rated for players over 18! You're a teenager, damnit, and you KNOW you're cooler than older people! After insulting their age, be sure to spread the word about how much cooler you are than them, even if you failed half your high school classes.
***...but what if the player is UNDER 20 years old? This is slightly tougher, since you can't use age against them. After all, they're able to create compound sentences and are showing you up with their extensive vocabulary. Don't be discouraged. They're still not as cool as you. First, claim that you have had sex millions of times with millions more women than them. This is sure to put them in their place. Who cares that you're still a virgin living in your parent's basement. This doesn't matter - LIE! Lying is the best thing you can do in this situation. Claim that you are only 16 but making $75,000 per year! This will certainly get them to shut up and show them their place!
Scenario: You're losing horribly in a game, and someone insulted your playing skills ... again. Even you realize that you aren't doing so well. What do you do?
Easy: Claim you're high! That's right. Not only will this excuse your lousy playing skills, it also makes you stand out as the cool guy in the game! It is important to purposely misspell words when doing this, otherwise your act may not be believable. For example: "LOLZ!!!!1!!1 iimm soo farrking highh rig ht noww! lmfffao!!!" Everyone is guaranteed to believe that you are, in fact, high. Sometimes it is good to switch your story and claim that you are drunk out of your mind because you have terrible parents that buy hard alcohol for their 14 year old. Be sure to brag about how you can drink 27 beers and not get drunk. This proves just how manly you really are. If you are still getting beat horribly in the game, claim that your sexy girlfriend is here and you have to leave so you can pork her. Everyone will be jealous and cry themselves to sleep after you leave.
Scenario: Everyone is cheating! What do you do?
There's no doubt about it. YOU are not winning. You always win, and if you're losing then the only possible explanation is that everyone else is cheating. You know that there is nobody better than you, so throw out the cheat card and let them have it! Sometimes this results in people calling you 'noob' and telling you to shut up. This just confirms their guilt, and gives you more fuel for calling them cheaters. After you've had enough with losing, throw out the most vile insult you can come up with (this usually involves the use of many four letter words, and something about their mothers) and then leave the game before you hear their responses. You've just shown them who the real winner is.
Having a hard time coming up with a quick-witted response to an insult? Try one of these actual scenarios used in an online game known as 'Starsiege: Tribes' as a reply (obtained from an actual chat log).
In this scenario, Player 1 (you) is losing horribly. Here's what to do.
Player 1: Stop cheating you n00b!
Player 2: Cheating? I'm not cheating.
Player 1: Yes you are you stupid n00b!
Player 2: How?
Player 1: You have AUTO AIM!
Player 2: There's no such thing as autoaim in tribes.
Player 1: Well you're just STUPID then.
Who cares that the final response made little to no sense? You insulted their intelligence, which won the arguement.
In this scenario, Player 1 (you) rightfully insulted someone you just killed, but the victim won't accept that you 'pwned' them.
Player 1: I pwned you a$$!!!!
Player 2: That's the first time you shot me this entire game. I would hardly associate that death with the word 'pwned'.
Player 1: Whatever loser.
Player 2: Loser? Please explain how shooting me and killing me once this entire game entitles you the right to call me a 'loser'?
Player 1: Your mom gave me the right n00b.
Player 2: What does my mom have to do with this?
Player 1: I did your mom last night!
As you can see, player 1 won this arguement. Insulting player 2's mom is an obvious win every time.
In this scenario, you are arguing with another player and someone else chimes in unexpectedly. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
EyeOmMee: you fcking moron! YOU SH!THEAD! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!
2Smart4U: why?
EyeOmMee: you KEEP SHOOTING ME!
2Smart4U: Isn't that the object of the game?
EyeOmMee: no! im trying something bitch!
2Smart4U: Um ok? Sorry?
EyeOmMee: Fcking asshole!!!
Chillpill: Uh, girlie, I think you need to calm down. Seriously.
EyeOmMee: STFU Chillpill! This doesn't concern you!!!
ChillPill: You're yelling for everyone to see. It concerns everyone now.
EyeOmMee: STFU! FCKING BITCH!
ChillPill: Wow you have issues.
EyeOmMee: STFU! YOu don't know me! You don't know anything about me!!!
ChillPill: You're going crazy in a video game. That's all I need to know.
EyeOmMee: OMFG! YOU DONT KNOW ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!
As you can see, EyeOmMee won this arguement with the "You don't know me" approach. Obviously, if nobody knows you, you can say whatever you want without repercussions. Afterall, you're smarter than all of them combined, and it only matters that you know yourself. Who cares that you're an insane psychopath who needs serious therapy. They don't know the real you.
We will have more gaming examples later. For now, take these lessons and use them to your advantage!
